Fiona Pereira – Magnolia Moms https://magnolia-moms.com Mon, 27 Apr 2020 07:18:14 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7 https://magnolia-moms.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/cropped-favicon-32x32.png Fiona Pereira – Magnolia Moms https://magnolia-moms.com 32 32 Battling the “Mean Girls” https://magnolia-moms.com/battling-the-mean-girls/ https://magnolia-moms.com/battling-the-mean-girls/#comments Thu, 06 Jun 2019 04:33:50 +0000 https://magnolia-moms.com/?p=1366 I have never been one easily affected by popularity or being in the “in-crowd”. Sure I’d feel a little left out but it wouldn’t bother me enough to lose sleep over it. What does bother me is racist reactions or biasness based on the fact that I am not Caucasian. Having said that, over the years, that has less of an effect on me because I realize that while I have experienced and seen a lot of the world and its people, many of those less friendly / mean people probably have not. So being the bigger person, I choose to ignore them and their unkindness.

But what eats me are mean moms. I mean sure you have mean girls in high school and college, and probably even in the workplace but among moms?? Seriously? Who has the time and energy to be picky about which mom you’d choose to be nice to? Aren’t we all moms paddling (sometimes without an oar) the same boat? So what gives? Maybe being a little different and possibly not being in the same social circle? Who knows? But is that justified? Heck no.

And then there are dance moms. So this article is stemmed from something that happened at my daughter’s dance school. It’s a great dance school and the teachers are extraordinary, but some of the parents (moms) are despicable. There is a group of moms from my daughter’s class who are really not friendly. I mean their kids are okay but the moms are super cliquey and gives you a blank stare when you give them a smile to say hello. Anyway, my daughter recently had her recital photo session. We were in line and these moms stood right in front of us. Never mind that they didn’t even acknowledge us, but they decided to take a group picture with all the girls in the similar costume as my little one but of course, did not extend the invitation to her and a couple of other kids in the class. How mean is that!

So we aren’t friends. Ok, I get that we’re not really friends, but the girls are all classmates. In the same performance. In the same costume. I may be petty and sensitive, but I would invite everyone to be in the picture regardless of if my daughter is friends with them or not. It’ s just common courtesy and being polite. I personally don’t care if I wasn’t invited but I do care that it was my 5 –year- old who’s experiencing exclusion from her classmates, not perpetrated by them, but by their moms! Their role models and guide.

I bet she felt a little excluded. She probably wasn’t as affected by it as me. She was quietly watching her friends take photos and sit together while she sat by her lonesome self  though and that just made my heart break. I understand that she’ll probably experience more of this as she enters school, college and at work and well, just in life, in general. But what makes my blood boil is that these moms are perpetuating it to their impressionable little girls.

They’re telling them it’s ok to exclude people different from you. It’s ok to ignore those who are alone and don’t have friends and it’s ok to be mean to those who are not your friends. These girls will follow whatever their mommies do and this “mean girls syndrome” will continue to the next generation. So NOT ok! I told one of my girlfriends about what happened and her response, “What year are we living in? Don’t they know that the world is getting smaller and people from every part of the world are in different parts now so there’s no avoiding diversity?” It’s sad that they’re living in their little world of whatever and don’t realize there’s a whole big world out there. Ignorance may be bliss but it can also be stupefying.

Raising includers and not mean girls. I recently come across an article by Lisa McCrohan, a psychotherapist, called “Raising girls who are includers instead of mean girls.” I loved it! She had the experience of being a victim of mean girls growing up so she knows what it’s like and vowed to be an includer to all she meets. As parents, it’s our responsibility to guide our kids down the right, positive path. She wrote, “I know you want to model this to your daughter, too. YOU are this sacred space for your daughter.  And I know you are doing it the best you can. Because this is how we heal the ‘mean girls’ culture:  we hold, we include, we love, we empower, and we regard our girls. And we model this in how we treat other women.”

Moms need to be aware of the mean girl culture. Until all moms understand how negative the impact left by mean girls is to other girls, and does something about it, the mean girls culture will continue to exist. I am a practical person but I’m idealistic as well – I’m a practical idealist. I get that this is a norm. Bullies and mean girls will continue to exist but I’m hopeful that more and more parents play a bigger role to curb its existence. Kids have so much to worry about in school – feeling accepted shouldn’t be one of it.

What I had to tell my daughter. I told my daughter on the way home, without referring to her unfriendly classmates and their moms, that as she grows up she’s going to meet people who are not friendly and even mean to her for whatever reason. That is not ok but she should not be bugged by it because it’s their choice. She needs to remember that there are people who will love her and that’s all that matters. SHE needs to be a nice person and be respectful to everyone, despite differences. I may sound like a clichéd peace on earth type speechwriter but it is true. It’s time to end the belief that one group is better than the other. It’s time to embrace diversity and look at similarities and not difference. And it’s time to start with the kids.

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Getting fit after kids – the struggle is real! https://magnolia-moms.com/getting-fit-after-kids-the-struggle-is-real/ https://magnolia-moms.com/getting-fit-after-kids-the-struggle-is-real/#respond Thu, 06 Jun 2019 03:57:50 +0000 https://magnolia-moms.com/?p=1358 Once upon a time, there lived a girl who was skinny. Then as puberty hit, she got chubby. When she headed off to college, she lost some of the flab. But alas, remnants of that flab remained and never went away. So as a single working girl she headed to a fancy gym and worked hard at getting fit and slim. And it worked! Fast forward a few years, a husband, two kids and 20 lbs more, she’s now a stay at home mom, desperately trying to get healthy and fit again with much struggle and many challenges.

So I ask myself (yes I am that girl), what must I do? My issues of not getting started and getting serious are the following:

  • Number one: Cost. I can’t afford expensive gym memberships. I’m a stay at home mom so we’re a one income household. A lot of gym memberships are pricey. Well even if they are reasonably priced, with one income, it still is hard. So yes, I need a gym or option that’s affordable for our budget.
  • Number two: Childcare. My second kid is a “Klingon.” She will literally not let me go and it’ll take forever for her to get used to someone else caring for her. Let’s just say it took a month for her to stop crying at the MMO (Mother’s Morning Out). Granted it was just twice a week, every week – but still. It was so, so hard.
  • Number three: Time. I have a busy life. Period. My spouse is not in town during the week so it’s basically single mom duty for me. I have so much respect for single parents, especially those with no family around. It’s a tough 24/7 “stint” but it’s totally rewarding. The deal is to be awake enough (read: sleep deprivation) to reap the fruits of this labor 😉
  • Number four: Only classes. That’s right. I’m awful with equipment and I find them boring. So I only do classes, especially Zumba. That’s my jam. This does not mean I’m any good in it, just saying I enjoy it thoroughly!  The challenge is finding these classes and finding a time and day that fits into my schedule.

So there you have it the bane of my dilemma. Having said that, I have gotten off my behind and tried to get something done. I’ve also most importantly spoken to several ladies who, not surprising at all, share my struggle. Their issues may not be identical to mine but it has given me some ideas.

Challenges of a mom

Katie Goldsmith, mom of two girls including a newborn said the biggest challenge is childcare. With her husband working odd hours as a resident at the hospital, and how gym daycare doesn’t start until 6 months and up it’s hard for her to start getting fit. “Also you can’t use a jogging stroller until they have better spinal stabilization (also around 6 months). So I can’t do much outside. I can try to do online workouts at home but it’s hard to keep my toddler occupied while I do that.” She also said that after going through pregnancy, she feels like she’s starting over with her fitness level so that’s pretty demoralizing.

Finding a support system to get fit

Meanwhile, mother of two, Michelle Stairs is a Beachbody coach shared that starting out wasn’t easy. So what did she do? “When I started my wellness journey, the biggest challenge was believing I could actually make a lifestyle change and stick with it! When you believe in yourself and remember why you need to be healthy, you really can do anything!” Stairs said finding her Beachbody coach truly was a life changer and that’s why she got into the program and became a coach too. She found it had a community feel that helps people stay motivated and focused to conquer their goals. “No matter how you go about your wellness journey, find a support system that works for you! It makes all the difference.”

Just do it – make it happen!

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Jealous much? Getting used to a new sibling https://magnolia-moms.com/jealous-much-getting-used-to-a-new-sibling/ https://magnolia-moms.com/jealous-much-getting-used-to-a-new-sibling/#comments Fri, 30 Nov 2018 20:55:02 +0000 https://magnolia-moms.com/?p=948

Having two kids has always been the plan for us. So when I got pregnant with my second one, Elise, we were ecstatic.  Then we started to worry about how our older daughter, Mia would deal with changes. She was the center of everything and was THE only one. Mia was four months shy of being 3 when Elise arrived. She understood things pretty well, but not 100 percent. We discussed having a new baby in the house, how she would be a big sister, we’d read books about being a big sister, play with baby dolls with bottles, watch tons of shows and movies, and of course, we’d also talk about how baby sister was in mommy’s tummy. And she got it…sort of.

When the day came, we prepped a big sister gift bag – saying that it’s from her new little sister who’s so excited to have her as a big sister. We brought her to the hospital to see Elise and it was pretty much love at first sight. It was precious.

Then we took her home and the real situation unraveled. Like in most cases for firstborns and their new siblings, she got jealous big time. Don’t get me wrong, she loves and adores her sister, but she wanted the attention her sister was getting. She wanted to be carried more, she wanted the baby’s toys, heck, she even wanted her pacifier! Yuck. Anyway, bit by bit, she got better.  Though some days, it’s still a challenge for her.

My friends and I have spoken in great detail about the experiences they had with their firstborns and how they dealt with the new siblings. I found that our experiences are very different, yet the same.

Reassurance is Key

My friend Lavinia, mother of two, said when she was pregnant, she told her oldest that there was a baby brother or baby sister growing in her belly. Her daughter, Bianca, wanted a baby sister and was not impressed when she found out she was getting a brother. “As my belly grew bigger and I could no longer pick Bianca up anymore, she would poke at my belly and say, ‘Bad baby!’ And when I started breastfeeding the baby, she tried to suck on my arm,” stated Lavinia. My friend had to keep reassuring Bianca that she was a good big sister and a wonderful helper to Mommy. Both my friend and her husband had to reassure Bianca that she was special by taking turns treating her to dinner dates and special outings.

 Setting special time aside for the firstborn

Ironically enough, my other friend Krista said there was not much jealousy from her oldest son James, for the first year.  He was so excited to have twin brothers and to help take care of them. He even thought of them as “his babies” instead of “his little brothers”.

“To help him get ready for the twins, we tried to involve him in as much of the preparation for them as we could. We checked out books about being an older brother at the library. We took him to see the ultrasound of the twins. He helped us pick out decorations for their room. We also had him help us name them,” said Krista.

Krista stated, “About a year after they were born, we started to see that James was resenting the attention we gave the twins.  He would get mad at the twins very easily and say that they get all of the attention. He went from being an only child for six and a half years to having two siblings to share our attention with.  Twins demand a lot of attention in the first place.” Krista and her husband realized that James needed time alone with them to make him feel special. “He would get a ‘date night’ with each parent every month. He LOVED every second of it and would talk about our meal and conversation for the next week.  After a couple months, we all felt much more bonded to each other.” Krista added that, “those nights evolved into Friday Party Nights where they would put the twins to bed, make popcorn, and watch a movie with James. As the twins grew older the Friday Party Nights turned into a whole family affair that still goes on today.”

 

Making them understand and feel loved

My daughter, Mia has come a long way but sometimes, she seeks more attention than usual. We try our best to spend alone time with her making her the ‘only child’ again for a while and always reminding her that she’s still our baby and we love her. She’s still young so while she understands a lot, she’s not emotionally mature enough to react in the way we’d like her to. We’re getting there and she loves being a big helper and the one to take care of the baby. That helps a lot with her accepting and loving her sister.

For more tips for helping your older child adjust to the new baby, check out this article from Psychology Today. One tip is to show your child her baby pictures. It’s a great way to reassure her that over time the baby will be able to do more and need less of your time and will grow to be a big kid like her. Eventually, I pray the jealousy and sibling rivalry will fade and they will be the best of friends.  Ah, the joys of having a sibling!

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Friends are Family you Choose https://magnolia-moms.com/friends-are-family-you-choose/ https://magnolia-moms.com/friends-are-family-you-choose/#respond Mon, 26 Nov 2018 21:14:22 +0000 https://magnolia-moms.com/?p=939

When I was a teenager, I had a curfew like all teenagers did. Even in my early 20’s, I had a curfew. Growing up in Malaysia, you didn’t move out of the family home until you got married. My curfew was not a set time, but a call from home, from either my Mom or Dad saying, “Do you know what time it is? It’s too late for a young girl to drive home alone.” That would drive me nuts. I knew how to be careful and to take care of myself, I kept telling them. Looking back, they obviously had my best interest in mind. Despite the little quirks that my family had, I love and miss them. I miss traveling together on road trips to visit relatives during Christmas or my dad insisting on family vacations – I even miss the squabbles with my brother in the car.

While my real family is many miles and oceans apart from me now, I have a great relationship with my best friend who treats me as family. You’ve heard the German proverb, “blood is thicker than water”, meaning that the bonds of family are stronger than the bonds between unrelated people. For the most part, I agree. However, there are exceptions to the rule. My best friend is someone that I consider family and vice versa. Even though she has three blood sisters, I am her honorary sister. She always keeps me in the loop of what’s going on among them and I feel honored to be included in the circle. I’ve even stood in for my best friend at her youngest sister’s graduation recital at Notre Dame a few years ago because she could not make the trip. Both sisters were grateful that I went and I was very happy to be there.

You too may have friends who consider you part of their family. Be grateful for that. It may not be the same as the relationship you have with your own family, but it’s definitely what friendship is about. I have relatives I’m not the slightest bit close to. I hardly see them, and in some cases, I’ve never even met. Needless to say, some of my friends are more ‘family’ to me than my relatives ever were. What I’ve learned is that friends can indeed be family; it all boils down to the bond we share.

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