Our Boys Deserve to be Celebrated

I have two boys. And they deserve to be celebrated on Sons Day. Not just today, but every day. My boys are still young. They’re 5 and 2. It’s still kind of weird to me that I’m a “boy mama”. I literally have more than a dozen different pieces of clothing that say that phrase on them. I wear them proudly every chance I get. I am so proud of my boys.

Growing up, as “prissy” and “girly” as I was, I always just assumed I would only have girls. I just knew I would kick so much butt at being a girl mom. But then I got pregnant with Sam, and I was scared to death.

How Will I Ever Parent Boys?

Not only did I not know how to parent, but I didn’t know how to parent a little boy. What was I going to do when it came time for potty training? What do we do about circumcision? I don’t know how to have conversations with little boys, so how am I supposed to have the “birds and the bees” talk with him when he’s older? Do I leave it all up to my husband? What if he grows up and hates me? But when he came along, I put all of that behind me. I was instantly in love. He stole my heart. I knew I was put on this earth to devote my entire being to him. And I have.

Baby #2 – It’s A Boy

Two and a half years later, I found myself pregnant again, and I just knew it was a girl. My hopes were so high that I would have two perfect children, a boy and a girl. But, since my husband is a physician and he’s been trained to read ultrasounds, when he went with me to the anatomy scan and saw the sex, he said “It’s going to be fine.” The tech said “It’s a boy!!”, and I said “Oh, yay.” I was a little disappointed, I will not even lie about that. My hopes were just kind of dashed. Plus, I didn’t have another boy’s name picked out, and I worried my child would be nameless up until birth.

I’m a planner, and these situations stress me out. But when Lincoln finally came along, early I might add, I realized those thoughts were so silly. Here I had this teeny tiny, barely 4 pounds, 6 weeks early, little miracle. I couldn’t look at him for almost a month without breaking down and sobbing over how in awe I was of him. He was so resilient. And now that he’s 2, he proves that every time he tries to climb our bookshelves or practices “flying” on his mini trampoline. He’s fearless, and I like to think he gets that from me.

Any time I happen to see my boys sitting together in my recliner, Sam reading a book to Link, or the way that Link always makes sure to give Sam a big hug before I put him to bed every night, I am reminded that I was made for this. I am raising them to always love each other, no matter what.

It took Sam almost a month to warm up to his little brother, or even the fact that he was now the “Big Brother”. And now, they’re inseparable. Lincoln always expresses sadness when I drop Sam off at school in the mornings, and then he’s so excited when we pick him back up a few hours later. I feel the need to brag that I’ve raised brothers who consider each other best friends.

#BoyMom

Of course, my days are completely chaotic, too. They’re filled with breaking up fights over the iPad, or the occasional food fight at dinnertime. They even sometimes steal each other’s snacks. Sometimes, Sam will refuse to let Link in his room, and Link will throw a fit because his brother won’t play with him. I don’t like to force them together, but let’s be honest, I’m a big sister too. Sometimes it’s just nice to have a break from your little brother. Most days, I’m putting Band-aids on skinned-up knees and elbows, kissing boo-boos, and washing slime and Play-doh out of clothes and my carpet.

Every other week, I spend almost $300 at Costco because all they do is eat. Seriously, they’re bottomless pits. Sometimes, our whole dinnertime conversation is the list of levels in SuperMario that Sam beat, and the strategies he used to beat them. But honestly, my husband loves to talk about that. I listen to “Baby Shark” on repeat at least 100 times a day, and I hear it playing in my sleep.

But it’s all worth it when I put them down at the end of the day. The big, warm hugs they both give me right before I kiss their perfectly-round heads before bed, and the sweet, sleepy “Night-night Mama, I love you” they say to me before I turn out the light. I can’t believe I get to hear those words sometimes. I’m just awe-struck by how perfect they are. They are my boys, and they always will be. They’ll be raised to be kind, respectful, caring, and a friend to everyone. That’s the best that I can hope for them. Happy Sons Day to my boys, forever my babies.

Then my high school reunion began to unravel

The evening quickly went south for me, when I realized many of my classmates, especially a few of the women, hadn’t really changed at all. Don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that if we were speaking in terms of picking right back up where we left off in our friendships, but honestly, it felt like I was right back in high school. There were whispers about the guys’ girlfriends and wives, others in attendance, loud, rude statements about the people who didn’t show up, and even some nasty things said directly to people’s faces. I felt like I was 16 again, experiencing the crushing blows that some people’s words can leave on your psyche. My feelings were hurt that night. And I tried hard not to let it show.

I just wanted to come to the party, show off pictures of my kids, ask how others were doing, and enjoy the company of people I haven’t seen in almost ten years. Instead, I let those words sting, I said goodbye to my friends, and I left. I didn’t even go to the after-party, which I was really looking forward to. 

It made me take a more in-depth look at myself.

Am I the same way? I talk about people negatively, yes. I think we’re all guilty of that. And I don’t like it. I don’t have daughters, but many of those women in my class, do. What kind of examples are we setting for them in the future? I don’t need to tell any of you that being a teenage girl can be a stressful time in our lives, or even about parenting one. Are we fully prepared to get a call that our daughter is being bullied or that our daughter is the bully? We need to drop this “Look how much better I am than you” attitude. It’s even evident on our own social media pages that many of us are not kind to others, especially other women. When we disagree with others, we pick absolutely everything about them apart. We hurt feelings.

Can’t we just click the “LIKE” button.

We can’t just click “like,” or a react button without delivering a negative comment privately afterward. The time has come to leave the jerk responses in the past. We’ve faced enough in the last six months; we don’t need unwanted, unkind criticisms on top of it. If a woman goes through a significant life change or crisis, be supportive, in real life, and online. If a woman has had success, whether that be a wedding, a new job, a new baby, etc., congratulate her. She worked hard and deserved it. There’s beauty in kindness. And when women build up other women, amazing things can happen. Don’t miss an opportunity to be a supportive friend to someone who could really use it. 

First of all, I don’t think for as long as I or you live, you’ll ever be able to fully comprehend how much I love you. I love you more than absolutely anything the world could put before me. I love you because you’re half of me, and half of the man I promised to love for the rest of my life. You are the results of that love. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words what being your mother means to me. 

Dreams of a Little Girl

For a long time, I was unsure if I could even have children, let alone, get married to your Daddy. When I was younger, I was very ambitious. I’m still ambitious, but more in the motherly sense now. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a family. The perfect family of 3 children, with the perfect husband, and we would live in the perfect house in the suburbs, with the fence, the dogs, the minivan, the works.

As I grew up, entering into high school and college, I wanted to put those dreams on hold.

I wanted to be a big name in the news media. I wanted to work hard and prove I was more than just another face in the crowd. And for a while, I was on track to get there. But then I met Daddy. And Daddy loved me and I loved him. And our love grew, until we eventually decided we loved each other so much, that we wanted to confess it in front of many people and before God. We wanted to get married.

First Comes Marriage

I know I’ve often tried to explain what it means to be “married”, and I hope this helps. Marriage is when you love someone so much, that you want to continue to love them for as long as you can, and you want to share everything with them, whether that’s a house, a family, food, secrets, dreams, whatever. And sometimes, when two people love each other so much, they start families. Sometimes, it takes time and for some people may not even be able to have families, but Mama believes that there’s always someone out there waiting for a family to love them. And hopefully, those families will get to be united one day. 

Then Comes Mommy Pushing a Baby Carriage

When Mommy and Daddy got married, we weren’t even ready for you yet. Sam, you surprised us. We were scared, excited, nervous, unsure, but the day we found out about you, we felt an immense amount of love for someone other than ourselves rush over us.

And Lincoln, you were less of a surprise, but an equal amount of joy filled our hearts when we learned of you, too. When the both of you came along, Mommy became less ambitious in her work life, and more ambitious in focusing on family. In those times, the only things I cared about were the two of you. Growing inside of me, feeling your kicks and stretches, feeling my heart grow bigger with more love than I’ve ever known.

But Doubt Set In

There were times I sat around, thinking I couldn’t do it. I’d never be able to be as good of a mama as Jiji or Cici was. But they told me, they felt the same way when I was a baby and when Daddy was a baby. And then, you showed up. You made your appearances. I studied every little detail of you both. Your noses, your fingers, your toes, your cheeks, your beautiful eyes. You were the ones I’d been waiting my whole life for.

You were immediately my reasons to get up every day, to draw another breath, to keep going when life felt like more than I could bear.

Boys, I am going to continue to be the mother you deserve. I know I’m imperfect. I often raise my voice when I’m angry or overwhelmed. I’m often too tired to play. I’m doing my best to make sure you grow up with good self-esteem, have respect for yourselves and others, a fair work ethic, and a drive to help others. Most importantly, I want you to grow up knowing you are loved more than you will ever imagine, and no one will be able to take that away from you or make you think the opposite.

Love to my Children

You are strong-willed, smart, handsome, bold, fearless, sometimes crazy, and always lovable. You will do amazing things in your lives. And if there ever comes a day when you have more siblings, I want you to love them too. Like I love the both of you. I want to give so much love to my children.

Sam, when your brother was born, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to love another baby as much as I loved you, but I was wrong. My love only grew. I hope, if there are more children that Mommy and Daddy have, I’ll continue to show you all the love I have in my heart. If there ever comes a day that the two of you find girls that you want to get married to, like Mommy and Daddy, I pray you will love them wholeheartedly. I pray you will respect them. You must give 110% into your marriage. I hope you love your children the way that I have loved you. More than anything. 

I love you both so much, and thank you for making me your Mommy. Thank you for letting me be celebrated this Mothers’ Day. You’re my whole heart. 

With Love to my Children,

Mommy

Are you a new Mom or expecting your first child? Be sure to read “Five Things I Wish I Had Known About Motherhood.”

We were actually trying to get pregnant with him (my first was a happy little accident), and it only took 3 months after I had my IUD removed to conceive him. When I was sure I was pregnant, I took 2 tests. One where you wait for the lines to show up and one electronic test where you get the results in about 30 seconds. When they both said “yes”, I was ecstatic.

But within a day, that excitement turned to fear. After I had told my husband, who was also thrilled, he managed to bring up how often he’d be travelling in the following months. It was his last year of medical school so he would be doing extensive traveling for job interviews, medical rotations, and tests.

I was sure I could handle it. The doctors’ appointments, nursery prep, working and toting around a 2 ½ year old soon became difficult without help. Around 7-8 weeks into the pregnancy, I started to have doubts about the baby surviving. I was eating healthy, making sure to go on walks, practicing prenatal yoga, and taking my vitamins, but I still felt like something was wrong. It turned out, nothing was wrong with the baby; it was all me. 

During this time, great stresses hit our family. My grandmother passed away a few weeks before I became pregnant. I was severely depressed. I couldn’t eat. I never really wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to take care of myself.

After I found out I was pregnant, I tried to fix things. I wanted to fix me, but a lot of that depression lingered. I just lived with the thought in my head that something bad was about to happen to me or to my family. I thought we couldn’t possibly take another hit.

My thoughts of miscarriage subsided once I reached the second trimester, but anxious thoughts still clouded my mind. My husband was reaching the point of the year where he needed to put together his resume’ to send off to hospitals for interviews. My son was starting preschool for the first time, and I was so worried how he would adjust. I had started a new work schedule built around my pregnancy. I think this is when my anxiety started to build. I knew what was about to come.

Once my husband received his interview requests (8 of them), his travels were about to take him all over the Southeastern United States. A test he was preparing to take in October would take him to Philadelphia. After Christmas, he would be gone for a month-long rotation to the Dominican Republic. His stresses became my stresses. Unfortunately, the stress became too much to bear.

When my doctors realized this, they offered me anxiety medications. I refused them because I was worried about the side effects it could have on the baby. I wish I had listened to my body and my doctors. That January, while my husband was out of the country for his Dominican rotation, my blood pressure spiked. I had a huge anxiety attack. I couldn’t catch my breath. I called the nurse on call at the hospital, who asked me to take my blood pressure and give them a call back. I called one of my husband’s best friends and fellow med students, who came right over to take my blood pressure and sit with me until I felt better.

A few days later, at my 34-week appointment, my blood pressure spiked again. Protein was found in my urine and my body was swelling up. Two hours later, I left my oldest at my friend’s house, and I was in a triage unit on the L&D floor at the hospital hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and having some tests run. Upon the lab’s findings, it was discovered that stress-induced preeclampsia was setting in, and it became pertinent that I be sent to the larger hospital with a NICU.

I was going to give birth to my second child 6 weeks early, with my husband out of the country, and my closest family members were 8+ hours away. I did wind up spending 3 days in the hospital. During that time the doctors were working to get my blood pressure down. I was given medication to prevent seizures. On the third day, while my husband was in the air, on his way back to the States, I gave birth to our second child via emergency C-section.

He was 4 lbs, 16 ½ inches long, 6 weeks early, and completely perfect.

But he was safe. My child, whose life I had feared for the entirety of his existence inside of me, was before me, so perfect and healthy. He didn’t even need oxygen. He just needed the IV and an NG tube. Many NICU babies aren’t that lucky, but mine was. 

Lessons Learned

There are Safe Medications

There are very safe anxiety medication options to take in pregnancy. If you are feeling any anxiety at all, and you’re worried for your health both mentally and physically, speak with your doctor and discuss treatment.

Invest in a Blood Pressure Cuff

A blood pressure cuff is a great tool to use with your pregnancy and a good investment. If you don’t know how to take your BP with a manual cuff, an electric cuff works well too. It’s very important to keep your BP in check, especially if you have a personal history with high blood pressure or someone in your immediate family has history.

Avoid Stressful Situations

It’s best to avoid stress-inducing situations. Large crowds, overexerting yourself physically and mentally in a work environment, and caffeine are some of the best ways to increase anxiety, and it may be better for your health if you left them behind until after the baby comes along (Coffee, especially!)

Listen to Your Body

You know your body better than any doctor, partner, or parent. If you feel something isn’t right, contact your doctor, midwife, or doula. It could be anxiety, or it could be something significantly wrong. There’s no shame in contacting someone for help, even if it is just a blood pressure dip, anxiety attack, or Braxton Hicks. 

Practice a Little Self Care

Meditation, yoga, walks, bubble baths/showers, massage, or even talking to a mental health professional are great ways to ease your anxieties. There’s no shame in getting some help or helping yourself. Having a baby is completely life changing, and it’s okay if you need to blow off some steam about your hopes and fears. 

Know When to Go

Beyond 20 weeks gestation, if you’re hands, face, and legs start to swell, you feel increasingly anxious, your blood pressure can’t stay down, or you start to feel physically sick and do get violently sick (excessive vomiting, diarrhea, frequent urination more than usual), those are some of the signs of preeclampsia setting in. If this is something you are noticing, it is imperative you get to your doctor or the hospital. Early stages of preeclampsia can be treated with medication, and most babies can wait to be delivered until 37 weeks, if proper treatment is given and medication is working.

If it goes ignored for too long, that may be a sign that the preeclampsia is turning to total toxemia, which means your womb is no longer safe for your baby. Medication can be administered, but upon the shift to total toxemia, it is safer for the baby to be delivered. Once baby is delivered, and barring nothing goes wrong and medication is continually administered, all should be back to normal within 72 hours post-delivery. 

Not everyone will feel the same in these situations as I did in mine. But these are definitely some of the things I would recommend having gone through the trauma of preeclampsia brought on by anxiety. Most importantly, it is important that you and your baby are safe. Taking extra precautions with your precious cargo may seem somewhat inconvenient, but it’s only temporary. Knowing what you know now, I wish you a very safe, very calm pregnancy and delivery!

I only have the perspective of a mother that went through emergency C-sections. With both of my children, I had every intention of delivering them vaginally, with no pain medication. With my second child, I was even willing to go a natural route and considered using hypnobirthing sound effects to ease my labor.

My birth plan was scrapped, and it didn’t go the way I planned.

My first child was stubborn. When my water broke right at midnight, I expected contractions to start immediately. I expected to barely make it to the hospital, which was 30 minutes away from where we lived at the time. I wound up being in active labor for 16 hours. I only dilated 4 centimeters. My baby’s heart rate dipped gradually with each contraction. My doctor told me he had to get out, and it had to be a rush job. I was sobbing. My birth plan was scrapped, and it didn’t go the way I planned.

Umbilical Cord Issues

It felt like my body had failed me, but that didn’t matter because my little boy was absolutely perfect. He was a perfect size. He had some breathing trouble when he came out. He managed to get tangled in his umbilical cord, which was a contributing factor to him needing to be delivered via emergency section. He was on a CPAP machine for an hour, while I was in the recovery room, but afterward, he never had another respiratory complication.

Preeclampsia Sets In

With my second child, I kept my original birth plan and planned on having a VBAC, or, vaginal birth after cesarean section. At 33 weeks, I developed preeclampsia which is a pregnancy complication brought on by swelling in the face and hands, high blood pressure, and protein in the urine. This complication was identified at a regularly scheduled doctors appointment. Two hours later, I was in triage at the hospital, being hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and having tests run on my urine.

Once pre-eclampsia was determined, I was placed in an ambulance to the nearest hospital with a NICU. I was in the hospital 3 days before I delivered. I went into the hospital on a Tuesday, was scheduled to be induced on Friday, the day I would hit the 34-week mark, and also when my husband was scheduled to be back in the country (but that’s a story for another time). Unfortunately, it was discovered on Thursday that full eclampsia was setting in, even with all the medication I’d been on to slow it down.

So 2 hours later, I was again, getting prepped to have an emergency c-section. My youngest was only 4 pounds and 16 ½ inches long, but he was so perfect. He spent 3 weeks in the NICU, before he finally came home, and he’s been thriving ever since. Even though my births didn’t go the way I planned, I am so thankful for them, because they got my 2 greatest joys to me safely. 

C-section Mom Club

Having spoken with other C-section moms, they all seem to agree, this was the route their births were meant to go. There are many factors that can result in mothers having to deliver via c-section, other than fetal and maternal complications.

Moms like Mallory C., Katelyn A., and Bridget W., had planned c-sections. They had generally easy recoveries and were able to get back to work once their maternity leaves were up. Other moms like Ashley B., Madison W., and Meghan R., had their sections due to breech babies or small pelvis.

There are many factors that can result in mothers having to deliver via c-section.

Moms of multiples, like Rachel S. and Katelyn B., also had c-sections. About 40% of multiple births result in c-section. Hollie T. and Whitney D., had to have their c-sections due to very large babies.

Kasha W. was able to have her first 2 children vaginally, but her third child was already 42 weeks along and stubborn, so she had to come out via c-section. Finally, moms like Kelsey E. and Donna G. both had emergency c-sections with their first children, and then were able to have successful VBACs with their other children. 

Interesting Facts about C-sections

Disadvantage of C-Sections

Recovery Can be Difficult

Recovery and nursing are often hard for some mothers who have had pregnancy complications; though most c-section moms have a generally easy recovery and are able to nurse immediately. It is recommended to hold off on sexual intercourse for 6 weeks, until a full recovery can be made, as it is with vaginal delivery. 

Missing the “Golden Hour”

When seconds-old babies are able to be placed immediately on their mothers’ chests and can nurse, that is not the case for babies delivered by cesarean. Usually, after a c-section, the mother is able to see her baby, kiss them, and then the mother is closed up, while the baby is cleaned, weighed, and wheeled off to the nursery, though some hospitals are making efforts for c-section mothers to have a “golden time” with their babies, if there are no complications with mother or baby, while Mom is having her abdomen sewn up.

Spinal Block Can be A Scary Experience

Another downside is the side effects that no one tends to fill you in on for this surgery. The spinal block is slightly terrifying. You’re vulnerable, an anesthesiologist is staring at your backside and bare butt while they stick a needle in your spine. Usually a few minutes later, the shakes will start.

As a result of shakes, most moms are strapped down to the surgery table (I had heating pads wrapped around my hands and legs to help some, which was a nice touch). Once the spinal block hits your body, you won’t feel the scalpel, but you will feel the pressure. Your organs will be moved all around and a catheter will drain your bladder.

Organ Complication

After the surgery, you could have an organ complication, for instance, I had so much scar tissue on my bladder after my first c-section, that any future biological children I have will also have to be delivered this way. But the moment you get to see a sweet little baby face (your baby’s face!) peeking at you over the curtain, your life will forever and change, and you’ll know that it was worth it. 

One thing all of us c-section mamas can agree on, we’d do it all again if it meant that we got to have our babies in our arms safely. Our kids will all wind up in the same boat. They’ll be loved, they’ll be happy, they’ll learn, they’ll make friends, they’ll grow up fine. No matter how they were brought into the world. 

I hope this article provides you with some insight in the days to come, and your sweet baby is healthy, happy, and loved. Congratulations!

I mean, after all, there’s an infectious virus raging outside. There is no vaccine. It’s different from the flu, it’s different from strep, it’s different from anything that this country has ever seen before. And it’s taking a toll on our healthcare workers. Lots have tested positive for it, and lots are worried about bringing it home to their families. All of them just want this nightmare to be over with.

Hospitals are busier than ever.

Many are understaffed because so many employees have tested positive for COVID-19. Doctors and nurses in other specialities, like cardiologists, psychiatrists, and pediatricians, are being called in to assist in testing and treatment because of the overwhelming amount of people showing symptoms and worrying that they might get sicker.

So what does a medical family do?

Do we abide by what we’re told by our spouses or what we know personally in medical knowledge? Do we pay attention to CDC and state health department guidelines? Are we scared? You bet. If your husband is at the front lines of it, you’re worried about him all day, every day. I know I personally wait for my husband to get home, and I sit in worry if this is going to be the day that he catches it. If you’re a nurse or a doctor, you’re at the front lines, too. You may be worried about your children. If you’re their primary caregiver, you might be too scared to hug or kiss them. You’ve seen the damage firsthand. What if you’re the next case?

There’s so many “what ifs” for us right now.

Trust me, as a medical wife and someone who has petrifying anxiety, I am very worried. At the beginning of my husband’s residency, he had to shave off his beard in order to have a custom mask made for his face, in the event he’d ever need it. I remember him doing it, and then kind of laughing it off because “As a psychiatrist, I’ll probably never need it.” Fast forward 8 months later, he had to shave off his beard again. Now, when he sees his patients, he has to wear the mask, and at the end of a shift, he has to have it thoroughly sanitized, so he can wear it the next day.

No one could’ve predicted this. I have washed my hands until they’ve started to crack. I have washed clothes every other day. There’s no telling how high our water bill will be. I’ve wiped every surface at the end of the day. I want my kids to go to school. I want to go to the store and expect to actually see toilet paper and ground beef. I want people to go back to work. I want the economy to soar again. I want a normal, boring day again. But right now, that can’t happen.

This virus will claim lives, many lives.

It will make you sicker than you’ve ever been. Take it from me, you need to stay home right now. If your healthcare workers get sick, there will be no one to take care of those infected. If that happens, the virus will continue to spread for God knows how long. An economy can’t thrive when everyone is too sick to work. Stay home, wash your hands, love your kids, get fresh air, and thank God that testing is taking off and there’s still enough healthy doctors and nurses around who can treat this infection. If you can’t stay home for your sake, do it for your healthcare workers. Pray for them and thank them, because they’re doing it to keep me and you and our families safe.