Being a licensed therapist I already knew a lot about postpartum, but I never thought that I would be living it.

1. Identify the Problem

What is Wrong with Me

“I can’t do this.” I remember thinking those words as I held a screaming newborn, totally bewildered, exhausted, and overwhelmed. I was in over my head and not sure what to do. I was on maternity leave after just giving birth to my first child and my husband was at work. The realization of those words hit me as I became so overwhelmed that I almost, ALMOST shook my infant. It scared me. “How could I do that? What is wrong with me? What kind of mother am I? Welcome to my first experience with postpartum depression.

2. Reaching Out for Help is the Most Important Step

You Are Not Alone

That day, I had a realization that finally hit home to me. I needed help. I needed a lot of help. I knew right then that it was up to me to reach out. No one was coming to help me in the way that I needed.  Yes, my husband helped me with diaper changes, feedings, and overall care for our new baby. But I needed more.

Much more than he or anyone else could provide for me. I needed help to tame raging feelings of helplessness, despair, frustration, and feeling overwhelmed. This had carried way beyond the two weeks of “baby blues.” This was serious. I had scared myself and my emotions were powerful. I called my OB/GYN. “When can you see me?” I asked. I set the soonest available appointment I could get. I took the most important step for my mental health which was reaching out for help.

3. Follow Through

Help is on the Way

I sat in that room freezing to death and looking at all the posters on the way of the female reproductive system. “What is she going to think of me?” At that point, I was too exhausted to care much. I just wanted to alleviate the pain of all the emotions I was experiencing. She finally walked in, gave me her full attention, and asked me what was going on in my life as a new mother. I answered her as honestly as I could.

Then she asked a question that I will never forget. She asked me if I felt more sad and lonely, or anxious and overwhelmed. I thought for a minute. See, I had not realized that postpartum depression could look like something other than what I considered classic depressive symptoms- sad, lonely, suicidal, isolating and withdrawing oneself from others. I had not experienced any of that. But when she asked me if I was anxious and overwhelmed, a light clicked on. “YES! That one,” I said. She wrote me a prescription that day and it saved my sanity. Not only had I reached out for help, I had followed through by taking seriously the recommendations given me by my doctor.

4. Know the Signs

The Devil is is Often in Disguise

Sometimes it’s hard to think outside the box. I had this thought about what depression should be like. I’m a mental health therapist, I should know, right? I didn’t though. And if a therapist is having a hard time understanding this whole postpartum thing, then how are other women coping? I thought that postpartum depression was just feeling sad all the time. It wasn’t. At least it wasn’t for me.

It was feeling overwhelming anxiety, fear, stress, and a loss of control over my life. The thing is postpartum disguises itself as different things to us all. For one woman, it may be sadness, despair, and helplessness.

For another, it may be anxious, fearful, and overwhelmed. Then it may be something else entirely. I knew that something was wrong and that’s all I really needed to spur me into action. Talking to my doctor helped me realize what was happening to me.

5. If It Happens Once, it Most Likely will Happen Again (and Worse)

Rage Against the Machine

It is 7 years later. I have now had my second child. I only thought postpartum was overwhelming with my first one. What was postpartum depression with my first one turned into postpartum rage with my second one. It was intense feelings of anger, irritability, and numbness. Yes, numbness.

Sometimes I felt absolutely nothing. I had trouble bonding with this precious new baby. Why couldn’t I feel happy and joyful? Why am I feeling so amped up all the time? Wait. I know what’s going on. Postpartum has reared its ugly, hateful head, but this time it was worse. The good news was that this time I knew what I had to do.

6. Surround Yourself with Support

Having a Sisterhood

Mamas, don’t be afraid. What you are experiencing is normal. You can feel like you’re losing your mind. You can feel like nobody knows or understands what you are experiencing. I promise that you are not alone. You have a sisterhood that will lean in and support you, validate you, and help you make it to the other side.

Call your OB/GYN if you need help stabilizing. There is no shame in that. Reach out. Ask for help. Receive help when it’s offered. You are not superwoman. No one is. But together we can be a force to be reckoned with. We can be over comers.

President or Prison Gang?

Mothers, have you ever looked at your child and wondered, “he’s going to either be President of the United States or leader of his prison gang”. I myself am hoping for the former. If you’ve thought this then you are probably the mother of a strong -willed child. A no nonsense, my way or the highway, digging my heels into the ground child who has budding leadership skills rivaling the best CEOs in America.  These kids can leave you feeling completely exhausted, flummoxed, and coughing up dust as they leave you in their tracks.

Feisty, spirited, and bossy are some of the words used to describe strong willed children. But what really constitutes a strong-willed child? Most toddlers and preschoolers are stubborn and head strong so what makes a strong-willed child different from the normal developmental stages that most children experience?

Buckle Up Buttercup

Strong-willed children are usually evident from the day they are born. It’s not an every- once- in- a -while characteristic. It is their personality. Hold on for the ride, because it’s a life long deal. Strong-willed kids are the kids who experience intense anger outbursts and will not hesitate to take it to the next level. They have difficulty tolerating stress and frustration and soon you will find them on the floor flailing, screaming, and pissed off at the world. But before you find yourself in complete despair over the fact that your kid is a pit bull on steroids, know that strong-willed children become some of the most successful adults the world has to offer. Allow me to explain.

World Changers

Strong-willed children, if you can buckle down through the stubborn and defiance and not be tempted to tame or discipline the spirit out of them, are leaders, not followers. This means that they will be less likely to follow peers down self-destructive paths; and hold on to their own values and morals without fear. They have a sense of integrity and will not be forced and persuaded into compliance over something they don’t believe in. They will not follow the status quo like sheep; but will question everything, even authority. Especially authority. This is a good thing because it creates an atmosphere of independent thinking and reasoning skills. They won’t be satisfied with simply being told to do something just for the sake of doing something. They will hold their own because they are also fiercely independent. This is a kid, once grown, you will not have to worry about if they have managed to channel all their strong will into a positive direction. Strong-willed children love to make their own rules and will eventually become adults who become pioneers, trail blazers and path makers. Their stubborn streak becomes tenacity. Their defiance becomes courage and they will fight for what they believe in. They learn to argue, hopefully, no longer with you, but for their beliefs. They are world changers.

So What Do I Do Until Then?

If you’ve ever heard of Aikido you know that it’s a martial arts technique that focuses on using your opponent’s momentum against them. Instead of meeting force with force, “you instead blend with your attacker and redirect the energy back to the attacker”

www.aaa-aikido.com

Avoid power struggles by not attending them every time your child invites you to one. Give them choices to help them channel that autonomy and fierce independence they desperately crave. Allow natural consequences to happen, within reason, because strong-willed children need to learn through experiences and their environment. Give them as much independence as you can over their own choices. PICK YOUR BATTLES should be the mantra of every parent of a strong-willed child. Personally, if my kid wants to pick out his own clothes, so be it.  If he wants to wear his jacket in the middle of August, then go ahead. Every parent decides just what battles they are willing to fight and what battles they aren’t touching with a 39 ½ foot pole. The point is to allow your child as much independence over himself as possible. I’m not talking about free range parenting. I’m talking about creating an atmosphere of safety and nurture to allow your child to discover his boundaries safely.  Listen to them, get down on their level and make eye contact with them. Hear their point of view even if it’s not yours. They want to be heard. They want to be able to save face when they know they’re wrong. Discipline through connection instead of attempting to force them to your will. They will fight you to the death and will not give in to you no matter what. At least not without some collateral damage. Remember, they are fighting for what they believe in even if it’s painting a marker mural on your wall or demanding M&Ms for dinner.

Little Dictator

My 4 year old son, Noah, has been affectionately nicknamed “boss baby.” He is my little general, issuing orders to his parents and older brother left and right. He laughs in the face of corporal punishment, but will lose his Sugar. Honey. Iced. Tea. if you put him in a time out. I’m considering calling a small country to see if they have an opening for the position of dictator. “Hello? Lichtenstein? I have a 4 year old boy who would love to take control of your country.” Giving him choices usually works unless he’s in a “I want nothing” mood to which I just step back and let him mull it over for a while. I tell him to let me know when he decides between the choices I’ve given him. I strive to understand him, to relate to him, and to appreciate the fact that if I can give him some direction, he will be an awesome adult one day. He is a no nonsense, I know what I want, I know when I want it, I want you to do this right now, little boy. We are working on “please”, “thank you”, “yes ma’am” and asking instead of ordering. It’s a process. Sometimes I lose my own Sugar. Honey. Iced. Tea. But we are a house big on forgiveness and chances. When he tells me that he’s upset with me and that if I do it again he’s putting me in time out, I say “Great! Mommy needs a time out! When can I start?” He’s not afraid to tell me anything and I hope to keep it that way. Hang in there, mamas. You’re raising world changers.