In July of 1996, after two years of battling a rare disease, my dad passed away. He had been admitted in June after his health deteriorated and was placed on a transplant list. My dad was my hero, someone that was quiet yet goofy, caring but strong. 

He never got to use the last Father’s Day gift I’d given him. 

Every year after that, I hated Father’s Day. That stupid Sunday in June was a slap in the face, a reminder of what I didn’t have.

Even as I coped and grieved and grew, Father’s Day still came around and always dragged out anger and sadness. I was jealous of friends that celebrated their dads, wallowing in moments I would never have. It was sad being reminded of how he’d never see me graduate school, walk me down the aisle at my wedding or meet any potential grandchildren.

Being fatherless wasn’t as glamorous as superheroes and Disney princesses made it out to be.

Nearly twenty years passed. I got married and started my own family. Then something strange happened. Father’s Day was around the corner and I had a three month old little boy. And for the first time, I was looking forward to celebrating.

I set up a little photo shoot of my husband and son to celebrate my husband’s first Father’s Day. He received a simple gift, we went to lunch where he wanted and had an all around pleasant day.

Throughout the day, I briefly thought of my own dad, how much I missed him and how I wished he could meet his grandson, and then I moved on. It suddenly wasn’t about me anymore, it was about this new dad and his child and their relationship. I was merely a facilitator in their day.

And that’s how it began; a slow embrace of Father’s Day.

I shifted focus from what I was lacking over to all that I had. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and took the day to celebrate what an amazing dad my husband was. My kids are so insanely lucky to have him, just like I was was lucky to have my father, even for a short time.

I make sure my sons celebrate their dad because he’s earned it.

Last year, Father’s Day came full circle when I gave a classic truck that once belonged to my dad to my husband to restore and drive and share with our sons.

And I always take a moment to remember my dad and still feel that little stab of sadness but it doesn’t sting as viciously as it once did. So for now, Father’s Day is another holiday I look forward to each year.

Park It

Start simple: picnic in the park. Getting food to go has never been easier and parks are finally starting to reopen. Grab some dinner, anything from upscale and pricey to cheap deli sandwiches, and find some green space. Take a blanket in case there isn’t a bench or picnic table to eat on. When you’re done (and have appropriately disposed of your trash) go for a stroll. Find a path, trail or sidewalk and wander around. Fresh air does a relationship good.

Get Sporty

If you and your partner are some of those gross “athletic” people, get out and play something one-on-one. Take whatever sports equipment you have on hand and go play a game. Find a basketball goal and play a game of HORSE or depending on how competitive you are, HIPPOPOTAMUS. Kick a soccer ball around. Visit the batting cages. Go to the driving range or tennis court. Just make sure that some fun competition doesn’t cause a date to turn sour.

A Night Out In

Maybe you want a night in? Just take that “night in” out. Grilling some steaks and hanging by a fire pit make a great evening. If you’re feeling particularly adventurous and have a tent, set up camp in the backyard. Project a movie on to the side of the house or watch on an iPad while you snuggle like little bunnies. 

Out in a Crowd

One day, there will be festivals again. And those make for excellent outdoor dates. Whether it’s a street market, craft fair, music festival or outdoor food competition, these events make for fabulous dates. Grab some food on a stick, try a little shopping or watch a band. The people-watching alone usually makes for a great time.

Day Tripper

If you’ve got all day and nothing to do, a day trip out of town is a great option. Try to keep your drive to under three hours so don’t spend all day in the car. Go visit a nearby college town and walk the campus. Or explore a state park that has lots of nature to explore. Wander around a different city or if it’s close enough, hit up the beach. And if nothing else, you and your partner will get lots of quality time in the car.

Breaking and Entering

Now this last idea is a personal favorite of mine and my husband’s. We like to find neighborhoods with lots of new houses being constructed and roam the empty houses. For couples that don’t live together, this is a great way to get an idea of your partner’s housing tastes. Or just a fun way to mock some architectural choices. Just make sure to check out houses that are being built, not ones that are occupied. Going to jail is not a good way to end a date.

1. “Flexibility” is the most important word you will ever know.

I knew going into motherhood that making plans was pointless but good Lord did I not realize what a complete waste of time it would be to even consider making plans. Babies gonna baby and that means do whatever they want, whenever they want. My first born decided as a toddler that he hated restaurants so my husband and I ate in shifts for months. My youngest decided he didn’t want to sleep in a crib the first year of his life, leaving us to try all sorts of alternatives.

You go left, kids go right. Therefore, you have to quickly pivot to the left and hope they don’t stick a finger in the electrical outlet before you get to them. Going in with lower expectations, hoping for the best and being perfectly happy with wherever you land tends to make life a tiny bit easier. 

2. It may look like they have motherhood together but they absolutely do not.

Don’t believe Instagram, Facebook or Christmas card photos. Behind each smiling face is a mom who has just stopped yelling and is full of Xanax or wine or thoughts of a few peaceful moments in the bathroom. I only have two kids. I struggle constantly with comparing myself with other moms who have more than two and appear to have their lives together. If she can juggle four kids, a full time job, perfect family outings and hit the gym, why can’t I at least keep track of the last time my kids had a bath?

I have to constantly remind myself that no matter how smoothly filtered their lives look from the outside, there were most likely f-bombs uttered at a small child at some point that day. No one is a perfect mother, despite what social media tells you.

3. Nothing of yours is sacred in motherhood.

I’m an introverted artist. I need time alone to recharge and be a functional human being. I also need designated time to create. Children make that next to impossible. They are into everything. My art supplies are used for finger painting. My designs are made while someone plays in my lap. My quiet time is full of either laughter or screaming and typically nothing in between.

I had a baby while I was in art school and my sketchbooks reflect the times a toddler managed to get ahold of them. When you have kids, you know in the back of your mind that your life is no longer your own but there is no way to truly understand the magnitude of how much they completely take over your life. And if you don’t want something touched or broken, be prepared to lock it away for at least twenty years. Motherhood can get messy.

4. These things have minds of their own.

I often find myself looking for parts of myself in my kids. “His eyes are just like mine!” or “He loves math like his dad!” or “He steals from the trash! Just like how I dumpster dive!” I made this little person so naturally I expected him to be half me and half my husband.

But then the kid will say or do something and I KNOW that cannot be attributed to either one of us. That’s the moment that made me stop and take a step back. This little thing is it’s very own individual person, not a “Mini Me”. It has a completely different personality from you and it is your job to get to know it as a completely new person.

5. You have no idea how much you will love that kid.

I always heard about “a mother’s love” and how much you will love your child and I figured, sure, I love my cat so it’ll totally be the same thing. But then that baby arrives and there is a love unlike anything you have ever experienced and there was no way anyone could have every prepared you for it.

Throw myself in front of a train for the kid? Sure, just tell me when. Fight a grown man for the kid? In a heartbeat. I never understood the phrase “having a child is like your heart being outside of your body” until I had that child. Here is a person who literally poops on you and you would still murder for them. Let’s just say that is motherhood explained! And I will love those jerks more than anything on earth until the end of time, even if I don’t always like them. 

Be sure to also read What I Wished I Had Known About Anxiety in Pregnancy.

So here are some tips from other moms on what is helping them maintain a teeny bit of sanity in this quarantine pandemic.

Get outside.

This plague couldn’t have happened at a better time of year. The sun is shining, birds are singing and humidity hasn’t reached miserable level yet. Going for walks is an amazing way to get out of the house, clear your head and get some vitamin D. If you can take walks alone, all the better. If you have to drag a child along with you, think of it as a way to wear them out. Plus they can be loud out in the open where it’s less likely to cause migraines.

Music.

Did you know that when explorers were first scouting out Antarctica in the early 1900s, they brought along a professional bagpiper to have music and help maintain sanity. Now, bagpipes don’t necessarily come to mind when you think “music to keep me from going crazy” but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. They knew how important music was to a person’s well being. Sometimes it’s a mellow playlist to soothe and calm, or an album that’s a longtime favorite and will bring back memories of when sitting in restaurants was a thing. Personally, I have a playlist called “Curb Stomp”, which is full of songs that hype me up and make me feel like a badass as I’m fishing Legos out from under the couch.

Baths.

If you can lock the bathroom door for a few minutes and just chill out in the bathtub, sometimes that will make all the difference in your day. Light a candle, pour some wine, throw in some bath bombs, bubbles, salts and turn yourself into a stew. If nothing else, your skin will thank you.

Snacks.

I know that the very last word any parent wants to hear right now is “snack” but this is for you, not those little tapeworm infested tenants that you live with. Is there a certain food that you think of as a guilty pleasure? Or only get on special occasions? Maybe only have it once a year as just a treat? Now is the time for that splurge. Buy that pint of edible cookie dough on your next grocery run. Order that fancy restaurant meal curbside to-go. Hide those cookies in your bedside table so you can eat them in peace when the kids are in bed. It’s the simple things that will make a difference in your quarantine days.

Comfort food entertainment.

Is it weird that you find true crime and murder podcasts relaxing during a quarantine? Yes, it is. But who cares? Put in earbuds and listen to one while you make a frozen pizza dinner for the fourth time this week. Watch an episode of The Office or Tiger King before bed each night. Turn on a little bit of Real Housewives during nap time. Get an audio copy of your favorite book and listen to it while you work. Find something that watching or listening to relaxes or comforts you and take a moment to fit it into your day.