A Woman’s Secret Battle

A war wages inside of most of us. We fight this battle everyday, but it’s not with an outside opponent. It’s within ourselves.

I’m so tired, I just want to sleep for days.

I can’t sleep I have so much on my mind right now.

I need to get up and go for my walk this morning.

I just don’t have the energy to do anything. I’m sleeping in today. I’ll go tomorrow.

I’m so hungry I could eat a dozen donuts, a bag of Lays and a bottle of wine.

I’m too fat. I need to do one of those 36 hour fast. Maybe I can drop a few pounds and jump start another diet.

I just can’t eat my stomach is in knots. Everything I eat just comes right out.

Oh I need to poop. I can’t remember the last time I pooped. That can’t be good. Maybe I should Google it.

Oh no, it’s probably cancer. Colon cancer, maybe stomach. What will my husband do? My children?

I need to stop eating fast food. It’s terrible for you and constipates you. One more day of Chick-fil-a won’t kill me.

I desperately need to go to the grocery store and get something nutritious for dinner. It’s important I teach the kids good eating habits. I want them to have a better relationship with food than I do.

Fuck it! I think there’s a frozen pizza from July in there. Those things never go bad. I’ll do something better tomorrow.

I’m so excited to go to the Girl’s Night Out event next Thursday night. It will be so fun seeing friends and making new ones. I really need a break from my kids and the hubs.

God I really don’t want to go to this thing. My fat ass has nothing to wear. I don’t want to have to smile and make nice with these women. They are all so pretty and successful. What could I possibly have in common with them?

I’m so depressed and I just can’t shake this feeling. I’m getting scared. I need to start taking better care of myself. Maybe I should go see someone.

I’m strong and independent. I’m not depressed. That’s for weak people. I’m just in a funk right now. It will pass.

I just need my husband to hold me. I just want him to hold me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok and that he will figure it out.

I don’t want me husband to touch me. I feel so disgusting right now. I can’t even remember how long it’s been. We need to have sex soon or he’ll probably leave me.

I just can’t get motivated to do anything today.  I’ll flip through Instargam and see what my friends have been doing.

Oh God, why did I do that. Look at her gorgeous outfit and her beautiful home. These pictures of her in that beautiful gown, with her beautiful hair and her beautiful children are just so perfect. My children would never behave like that. My life will never look like this.

Now I’m even more in a funk. I just need a drink. Maybe two. Of well, four never hurt anyone.

Ugh my head! Why do I do this to myself. My head hurts so bad, but I can’t keep any medicine down.

I am so stupid. Did you really think you could do that and have no consequences?

I’m not very adventurous. As the mom I need to be level headed and always be thinking five steps ahead.

How are we going to pay the house note this month? One kid needs new glasses and the other has soccer registration coming up.  We haven’t gone to the grocery store in three weeks.

I finally have some extra money to get that much needed pedicure. I think I’ll go Friday. Oh wait, I better not. I need to save this $35 in case the kids need something.

If I made more money this wouldn’t be a problem, but I can’t seem to get my career together. I am just such a failure.

I’m so tired of having to make the money. I’m so tired of having to figure everything out. I just can’t take it anymore.

I just can’t take it. I can’t do it anymore.

Life is hard. Period.

Have you ever said any of these things to yourself? This is the daily internal struggle most women have with themselves. It’s a constant battle of worth vs. worthlessness. Am I good enough? Can I do it? Will he still love me? Am I doing right by my children?

As a woman, and a mother, life can be so extremely difficult. You are getting pulled in all different directions all the time. Finding balance between all your responsibilities is so very hard, there is never much time for yourself. I find myself torn between the duties and my wants. I don’t want to do laundry but I must. I don’t want to cook dinner but I must. I want to have dinner with my girlfriends, but the kids have homework tonight. This is motherhood I get it. It’s beautiful and messy and happy and joyful and exhausting all in one. But it’s hard sometimes. A lot of the time.

Life is hard. Period.

Selfcare is so important

When I find myself having this struggle here are a few things I do:

1. Sleep. This is sometimes the only way I can rest my mind. I even sleep on a Saturday afternoon if I need too.
2. Take a long hot bath. I turn off the lights, light some candles, throw in a bath bomb and relax for as long as the family will allow. Sometimes you have to take what you can get.
3. Phone a friend. Having a vent buddy is so important. Sometimes you just need to hear a different perspective from someone on the “outside”. Someone who know and understands you and can help talk you through things.
4. Take the day off. I am a firm believer that everyone needs a mental health day now and then. Take the day off work and home duties. If that is not feasible then do very limited duties at home. Just take a freaking break.
5. Watch a movie. We love movies at my house and snuggling with my girls watching a movie with a big bowl of popcorn brings me joy.
6. Declutter. If my house is full of clutter I feel uneven. I feel out of whack, if you will. Everything needs to have a home. Everything. If it doesn’t then find it a home or get rid of it.
7. Volunteer. There is no better gift for yourself than helping another human being. Seeing the struggles that other people are dealing with and honestly dealing with a lot better than I am with my own life is a wake up call. Helping others is good for the soul.
8. Be thankful. Make a list of all the things you have to be thankful for. Husband, kids, work, friends, health. Whatever it is write it down and look at it every day. Add new things daily to the list.
9. Seek professional help. Over the years I have dealt with struggles like everyone else. To me there have been times that I needed and wanted to talk to a professional about my thoughts and feelings. I believe this is one of the greatest things you can give yourself. Sometimes you just can’t do it alone. We all need help. We all need someone that can understand where we are coming from and help to walk us towards a better place.
10. Go to God. We need to go to God everyday, but when we are tired and weak, he is there. He is there to hold us up and guide us down the path that he sees fit for us. It’s not always the path we see for ourselves I know. Go to God. Seek him and listen. Be patient and listen. Find comfort in him.

You are not weak. You are strong. You are not a failure. You are mighty. You are not unworthy. You are deserving. You are you and you are loved.

Life is hard. Period. But we don’t have to do it alone.